The biggest challenge to our ummah is marriage breakdown.
When you are trying to resolve the conflict, keep in mind the importance of the relationship.
Prioritise sorting the argument out instead of being right. Let’s say you win the argument, but in the process you have hurt your wife, what’s important to realise is this isn’t a stranger on the street that you don’t have to meet again, rather you are living with this person. So in so many words pick your “arguments” wisely and it’s something worthwhile, in the interest of maintaining a healthy relationship with your wife.
Actively listen and don’t tune it out. Pay attention to nonverbal cues. So she may say everything is fine but instead her face shows something completely different, so view the whole picture.
Try to avoid the urge to get defensive and blame one and other or tit for tat. Try to keep the topic of discussion about the present only, often mentioning past incidents that have been sorted out does not work and she will get the impression you are holding grudges.
Demonstrate that you can compromise.
Be a partner in good times and bad. When your spouse, in an argument insults you, if you insult her back and act like an adversary, do you think Allah swt will help you in reconciliation if you act like this?
Ask yourself what you can do for the marriage (what can you do to contribute so the other can give back). If you keep on giving and not receiving back from your spouse (remember you are giving firstly because it pleases Allah and because you are doing your part in the marriage) don’t you think Allah swt notices it and is pleased with it.
Principles to conflict management:
Tame your emotions:
Don’t ever say anything that you can’t take back
Do not come to the conflict/reconciliation effort if you are charged up- you need a cooling off period (if not, you will be acting on emotions, when you are emotionally high you will not make right decisions)
Prioritise resolving the conflict over being right:
Listen actively, remember when you are speaking you are not listening
Pay close attention to non-verbal communication
Don’t get defensive:
Avoid the blame game: no one wins in this
Begin statements with “I”, so say i feel sad not you made me feel sad. No one can say you don’t feel sad but they can say, I didn’t make you feel sad.
Focus on the present and not the past because you cannot address the past.
So if you are tired of the arguments in your marriage, book a call now to see how you can reduce conflict in your marriage.
